Sachin Tendulkar has a competitor

Yes, you read it right. Not only does the Little Master has a competitor, he's certain to lose the bout against it. Yes, you read it right again. It's not 'him', it's 'it'. After all, it's beyond a human being to give the Mumbaikar a run for his money but if it's an entity rather than an individual, it's possible.

Enough of foreplay, let's now solve the mystery. Sachin's competitor in my opinion is the national carrier of India, Indian Airlines (now known as Air India). Why this comparison? Well, because both ST and IA never fail to amaze!

Okay, by now everyone's aware what IA is capable of. They have successfully built the reputation of being the worse airlines in India, right up there with the worse airlines in the entire planet brick by brick. They have mosquitoes on board, they serve the food that even dogs would refuse to eat, the aircrafts look like dilapidated buildings from the inside, their ground staff and cabin crew comprise of incompetent people who are uncharacteristically efficient when it comes to misplacing the luggage of the passengers. Surely, it's quite a task for any airlines to match up to the 'IA standards'. Just when one was almost certain that IA's was the benchmark of how pathetic an airlines could possibly be, they outdid themselves! So very typical of Sachin.

I had a 6:40 am flight (IC 509) from Kochi to Chennai via Bengaluru on October 18, 2010. I arrived at the airport with an hour in hand, the baggage screening took less than a minute and I was in the cue to get the boarding pass. There were about 20 passengers before me in the cue and there was only a second cue in front of the Jet Airways counter early in the morning. No points for guessing which cue was moving faster and at one point in time, I was worried that I would still be standing in the cue when the flight took off! The trick as everyone knows is to get hold of the boarding pass, because once the boarding pass has been issued, the flight can't leave without the passenger. I had another worry. I had a connecting flight to Vizag to catch from Chennai. The Kochi-Bengaluru-Chennai flight was supposed to arrive in Chennai at 9:30 am and the Chennai-Vizag flight was supposed to take off exactly an hour after that. It meant, in case of delay for whatever reasons and with IA it's never a remote possibility, there was a realistic chance of me missing the flight to Vizag. So my idea was to get the Chennai-Vizag boarding pass issued from Kochi.

Finally my turn arrived and my fears came true. The gentleman at the counter told me that the Chennai-Vizag boarding pass would have to be collected from the Chennai airport as there was some internal access problem. Pleading or vague threats wouldn't change a thing, so I had to be happy with the Kochi-Chennai boarding pass and just as I moved away from the counter, I found out that I had a new name, thanks to IA!

Now while I was acutely aware of my geographic whereabouts (I was in south India) and I also knew of the supreme southy pride, this was beyond my imagination. My name on the boarding pass read, 'Raja Rajeswari'! For a moment, I felt like a king but that feeling disappeared in no time and I hurriedly headed back to the counter. By then, my luggage was gone with the name tag saying 'Raja Rajeswari' and as expected, it couldn't be traced. 10 minutes later, I was assured that the problem was solved and when I finally boarded the flight, the watch announced, 6:40 am! The procedure, as explained took unusually long and as there were another 20 odd people behind me in the cue, the flight got delayed by 15 minutes! Thankfully, by some miracle the 'access problem' was solved and I was handed the Chennai-Vizag boarding pass.

Ground staff gone, now was the turn of the cabin crew. Here, the airhostesses of IA call for a halt and special mentioning. Now, everyone knows that IA takes special care in choosing its airhostesses. They have to be 'experienced', that is well over 40, exceptionally ugly and must suffer from mid-age crisis that prevents them from smiling at any given point in time. Such sights early in the morning and the thought of travelling IA for the next 3/4 hours could have a very demoralising effect on an individual but as these things are expected, one is always prepared for such events. Problems surface when the unexpected happens and as far as IA is concerned, they happen always.

I dozed off moments after boarding the flight, only to be woken up by the ugly, disgruntled, never smiling airhostess who in a class-teacherly voice announced, 'Breakfast!' One look at the tray and the appetite was gone. Moreover, there was a sticker saying, 'Veg'. I asked for non-vegetarian food, she presented me with an extremely irritated glance, murmured something which I couldn't figure out and moved on. I'd managed to catch the first few words of what she uttered and they were, 'Non-veg is for....' Now that's IA! One moment, they make you feel like a king, the next moment, they show you your place in the world. It's called 'The Balancing Act' I suppose!

I was so disgusted that I decided not to eat. Not because the food was vegetarian. Vegetarian food could also be delicious for a change, but firstly, the food didn't look tempting at all and secondly, the ugly airhostess had succeeded in ruining my mood completely and irreversibly. I decided to return the food and the airhostess, as required by her employers I guess, outdid herself again! She gave me another irritated glance and shot back, 'Where do I keep it now?' At this point, I gave in. I firmly told her that where she would keep the tray was none of my business and asked her colleague for a response card, available on board. She heard me asking for it and like all her ill-mannered colleagues chose to wear a 'I don't give a damn' look. I duly filled up the form with my flight and personal details, handed it back to her colleague and kept my fingers crossed with the hope that some action would be taken.

At 37, Sachin Tendulkar is going great guns (touchwood). He scored a double-hundred in a limited over international match, went past the three-figure mark for the 95th (!!!!!) time in international cricket and if India hopes to do well in the world cup that gets underway in exactly four months time, then the old but not tired warhorse will have to show them the way. But there will surely be a day, when he would feel the burden of age and the gruelling pressure of playing cricket almost 100 days a year. That will be the end of the road for the cricketing legend. Indian Airlines will live to see that day and continue to outdo themselves.

Sorry ST, you may well be the god of 22 yards but you are no match for IA!